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[May. 6th, 2007|11:23 am] |
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i hope aileen coyle dies soon. maybe she's shooting up heroin like nik. i can only hope. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2007|10:36 pm] |
and all our hopes
and all our friends
through parking lots
it's where we've been
shoes have grown mighty old
pants faded knees with holes
stitched up now silver thread
fixed up now like i said boy
you'll be okay boy
your silver thread boy
your silver tiles
your silver bones.
amazing. i am in love with matt and kim. in fucking love.
www.myspace.com/mattandkim
seriously. wow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2007|09:37 pm] |
i've painted my toenails, but very poorly.
you lie bent up in embryo sleep
below the painting of the blue fisherman without a pillow
the covers kicked and tangled on the floor
the old house creaking now
a car going by
the wind
a fire engine going up the hill.
i've disentangled myself from you
moved silently,
groping in the dark for cigarettes,
still elated
still afraid
i sit across the room watching you -
the light from the street lamp coming through the shutters
hysterical patterns flash on the wall sometimes
when a car goes by
otherwise there is no change.
not in the way you lie curled up.
not in the sounds that never come from you.
not in the discontent i feel.
...and now unable to sleep
because the day is finally coming home
because your sleep has locked me out
i watch you and wonder at you.
i know your face by touch when it's dark
i know the profile of your sleeping face
the sound of you sleeping.
...i have total recall of you
and stanyan street
because i know it will be important later.
it's quiet now.
only the clock
moving toward rejection tomorrow
breaks the stillness.
Stanyan Street and Other Sorrows.
Rod Mckuen.
sigh. whatever that means. it felt appropriate.
i'm going to find a reason to feel happy.
maggie makes me feel happy. maggie said that she's stealing me so that i'm alllllllllllll her's this weekend and that she might, if he's lucky, share me with bennette and that in it's self makes me feel good.
but i guess that's it.
tessa doesn't make me happy.
ben does but that worries me, too. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 29th, 2007|12:03 pm] |
well april is almost over now. which surprises me because i still feel like it's only begun.
i think i'm a good person, you know. sometimes when i try i am a great person.
i realized that on friday night.
and maybe sometime soon i'll snap out of whatever it is i'm caught up in and i'll just be happy to be alive and happy just being happy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2007|03:28 am] |
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ooohhh fucking brother! barf barf barf. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2007|05:34 am] |
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it's time we evaporate into the breeze. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 21st, 2007|08:36 pm] |
i'm so so so confused. by everything. in a good/bad way.
i really like this someone.
bradley is, apparently, in love with me. and i want nothing to do with him.
david and i are talking again but it's pretty much just david manipulating me again.
and ben is alive and amazingly well where he should be and our conversation grows with each passing day.
but this someone? this certain someone with whom i happen to be enamored with?
this someone doesn't, apparently, return and reciprocate my feelings.
and this someone smells so sweet and feels so soft and has a great laugh and a pretty smile when it's there.
i'm confused by it.
but at the same time? at the same time i can forget about said someone and just be so damn happy to talk to ben that it doesn't matter that my proverbial heart strings are being tugged and torn and tapered. (because who doesn't love alliteration?)
i'm so happy with him. i really hope i see him nearly as soon and i might and should. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2007|12:42 pm] |
HEAR THIS:
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH OF RELIEF.
he's okay :) thank fucking god. my heart literally skipped a beat for hot minute there. i'm really fighting tears here. oh sweet lord jesus! i would've died if he hadn't been okay. aljsdfklasdjfklasjdfoiawef3. but he is. he's perfect. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2007|04:26 pm] |
what? what is going on right now?
i don't even know. i'm not sure how things manage to turn out the way that they do.
or don't.
or even have the slightest possibility.
of.
i don't.
even know.
i've said that probably a thousand times since last night.
i don't know, i don't even know.
i'm not unhappy?
david's talking to me again.
teresa called, i am so fucking glad about it.
tessa's driving me crazy.
and i have a tiny cut on my face because a box fell on it.
my face caught it before it could hit the ground, thank god.
taxes? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2007|05:33 am] |
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man, i am so good at fucking shit up. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2007|04:06 pm] |
ready. set. update!
wahoo.
it's late in the afternoon and i am totally digging this new yacht track.
it's so fucking PHAT.
trisha's in the shower because she's responsible?
right on.
we hang out with tessa and zack almost every day.
we're all such great friends!
and then some! eh eh!
it's so GORGEOUS OUTSIDE.
i love toys r us!
i get payed BANK on thursday!
i work at six a.m. a lot.
boo.
but bank?
THEBOMB.COM, YO! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2007|11:34 am] |
march! where have you gone!? it's the 21st making it the first day of spring, correct?
i think trisha and i are hanging out with the guys from the shop this weekend. wahoo!
i finish my last part of my toys r us interview tomorrow! yippee! i need khakis and a red shirt to cover my tattoo.
i have to go to the dentist today.
fuck.
and then probably hopefully chapel hill if we don't run out of gas along the way.
i am eating cheez its.
i saw dustin's face yesterday. sadly, it's not nearly as bad as i thought it would be. but most of his front teeth are gone and the three that really remain in the initial front row are about to fall out he said. ha. damn. i'd pity that mother fuck if his blood alcohol level hadn't been at least 2-3 point something dangerous and would literally be pronounced as toxic and the person who was drinking it dead.
so i don't pity him.
good afternoon! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|01:04 pm] |
1. my life is far more interesting than i ever thought it would be at this point and time.
2. i love ed.
(two and three do not relate)
3. i like a boy.
4. trisha's ass is still the smelliest thing in apex.
5. dustin got into a car accident and bit through his entire bottom lip, they had to stitch it back on. but sadly, he's still alive.
6. some people are nosy mother fucking assholes who need to stay out of other people's business.
7. it annoys me when class is canceled and i go all the way and bam.
8. i should be starting at toys r us here soon and i am pumped.
9. my hair is driving me nuts.
10. i love my friends who matter and count and are amazing.
the end. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2007|01:30 pm] |
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obla di obla da life goes on sha la la la life goes on. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2007|10:12 am] |
ohh my darling, ohh my darling, ohh my darling Clementine.
hmmm. interesting weekend. a few near fist fights, a few actual verbal fights, and lots of sleep.
oh vell. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2007|08:00 pm] |
so. this weekend? a riot, what a riot.
got new tattoos.
josh got his tongue pierced.
saw brian :)
ate brian's mom's homemade pizza!!!!
saw and kissed nate!
saw JAMES!
ate lunch with brad, josh, and michael.
saw bubba.
nearly had sex (and when i say nearly had sex, i mean neeeeaaaaarly. and when i say nearly, i mean there were but centimeters and two strong wills holding us both back) with michael in his extremely large bed. (and plan on doing so in the near future, i do declare.)
met CHRISTIAN!
GOT A PUPPY NAMED PLATO!
and had a wonderful time doing it all :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2007|06:38 am] |
i really cannot sleep.
i cannot cannot cannot cannot cannot sleep.
i've even tried masturbating to knock me out.
TWICE.
ch'yea, i said twice.
i need my rest for the day ahead, of course! it shall be a busy one.
i am so glad we met andre last night and that he loved us. i am in love with brad, andre, and of course michael. what AMAZING creatures, honestly. we're lucky - incredibly lucky - to know them and vise versa. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2007|11:58 pm] |
let it be known to all
that tonight
i fell in love with a MAN named michael in caribou, the biggest asshole ever.
for starters, i caressed his man chest - hills and valley, if you will - and he stopped mid-story that he was telling josh and said
"oh sorry, i was thinking about fucking you." and looked me right in the eye.
amazing!?
and then i was being a smartass and literally pulled me out of my chair and picked me up and dragged me into the WOMEN'S bathroom at caribou and bent me over, as thought he was going to just fuck me right there - and i seriously thought he was going to and i was going to let him, that or just kiss me - and asked if i was done being a smartass. i said "maybe" in between fits of laughter. he asked if i liked being down there, i said yes, in the women's bathroom. he told me we could do this all night, that it built character. then he said "okay, are we done now?" i said "yes." he said "are we good?" i said "yes." he said "are we falling in love?" i said "yes." then he pushed me out of the door and we sat back down like nothing had happened.
beautiful!?
then we all sat in caribou, though it was really closed, and talked at the table with brad and michael. meanwhile michael was being completely adorable and i was trying my best to be normal but blushing all the while. i said something and he said "i know, it's all the sexual tension between us now." and i agreed, trisha said you could cut it...with a spoon!
charming?!
then when we were leaving we were hugging and michael refused to hug us. so i hugged brad instead and trisha said "callan, i think you've met your match!" and i said "i know! but i didn't expect him to be so ugly!" about michael. hilariously. then when michael was saying goodbye to me trisha said "oh, don't be afraid to touch her ass." and he said "oh i'm not. should i just reach down and grab it?" and then, without warning, be began to put his hand down my bare ass. i flipped out and fell on the ground laughing. then! he picked trisha up over his shoulder and HIT HER HEAD ON THE HANGING LAMP IN CARIBOU. HAHAHAHA AND SHE JUST WAS LIKE A RAG DOLL AND COMPLETELY LET HIM. IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST FUNNY THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
But yes, it gets better.
i don't know how to really describe what happened. all i know is that we were hugging goodbye, michael and myself, and he was rubbing my back really forcefully in a sexy way and i was allowing it. then he grabbed my hands behind my back in one fist.
-----did i mention that michael is about two times wider than me, has fists the size of my face, shoulders as broad as my torso, and guns the size of a telephone pole? not to mention the sweetest smirk and the cutest teeth.----
so there i am, right? my hands behind my back and my body against his, passionately! and he pushes me against a table and i sit on it and takes his other hand, wraps my very legs around his waist and begins to THRUST into me. at first it was just bumping into me. then it was THRUSTING and hard. i could feel all of him against my bathingsuit area! then he did - and i love this during actual sex, not just staged - he put the backs of my knees in the crooks of his elbows and held my legs up and thrust. then, when everyone that was working at caribou (corbett, that guy) and brad and josh and trisha were looking, he put my feet on his shoulders (i love that too) and thrust into. i was overcome with embarrassment and actual arousal. then he pretty much just broke off and hugged me and i squeezed him tight and we left.
i don't even KNOW WHAT TO SAY. i am still blushing. it was amazing. i am in love with him and all his wonderful qualities.
i hope i see him again soon. he's so big and manly and sexy and disgusting and hilarious and made just for me!!
:) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2007|11:10 am] |
i have decided not to waste any more time thinking on robert coover. he's an absolute waste. a fuck up. a dead end.
i have so many other things to be happy about right now.
and i am happy right now.
it's not my fault, no matter how hard he tries to make me think it is, that he fucked this all up and has emotional problems.
i have been understanding. i wasn't the coward who backed out and ran to the arms of some psycho bitch.
so that's that. there is absolutely nothing more i can in that situation.
chapter ends there.
my broha is doing a project on henry david thoreau, right? i think it's awesome. but on the list you can choose from it seriously has condi rice among others like rosa parks and malcolm x and andrew jackson.
like, what the fuck? that's disgusting.
anyway. i am very happy. i feel a little sick but otherwise i feel literally great. i love that secret happiness. it's all mine! i smile on the inside and outside right now. i probably glow. that might be because i just took a shower.
but it's wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 it feels great to feel great about feeling great.
and plus, i met a young man last night named chris everheart. how do you NOT love that? honestly!!!
xoxo |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 20th, 2007|11:02 am] |
till they treat ya like tundra.
every time i talk with ben and i more and more pleased with our friendship. our friendship! who'dathunk it?
in a bit i'm going to go and talk...."talk" with robert. about things. i don't even know. i'm really nervous just because i'm sick of bullshit and he is in such a incredible position to potentially hurt me really badly. |
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