Won't you follow me down to

Sun, 06 May 2007 15:25:18 GMT

i hope aileen coyle dies soon. maybe she's shooting up heroin like nik. i can only hope.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 02:38:44 GMT

and all our hopes
and all our friends
through parking lots
it's where we've been

shoes have grown mighty old
pants faded knees with holes
stitched up now silver thread
fixed up now like i said boy
you'll be okay boy
your silver thread boy
your silver tiles
your silver bones.

amazing. i am in love with matt and kim. in fucking love.
www.myspace.com/mattandkim

seriously. wow.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 02:13:07 GMT

i've painted my toenails, but very poorly.

you lie bent up in embryo sleep
below the painting of the blue fisherman without a pillow
the covers kicked and tangled on the floor
the old house creaking now
a car going by
the wind
a fire engine going up the hill.

i've disentangled myself from you
moved silently,
groping in the dark for cigarettes,
still elated
still afraid

i sit across the room watching you -
the light from the street lamp coming through the shutters
hysterical patterns flash on the wall sometimes
when a car goes by
otherwise there is no change.
not in the way you lie curled up.
not in the sounds that never come from you.
not in the discontent i feel.

...and now unable to sleep
because the day is finally coming home
because your sleep has locked me out
i watch you and wonder at you.

i know your face by touch when it's dark
i know the profile of your sleeping face
the sound of you sleeping.

...i have total recall of you
and stanyan street
because i know it will be important later.

it's quiet now.
only the clock
moving toward rejection tomorrow
breaks the stillness.

Stanyan Street and Other Sorrows.
Rod Mckuen.

sigh. whatever that means. it felt appropriate.
i'm going to find a reason to feel happy.
maggie makes me feel happy. maggie said that she's stealing me so that i'm alllllllllllll her's this weekend and that she might, if he's lucky, share me with bennette and that in it's self makes me feel good.
but i guess that's it.
tessa doesn't make me happy.
ben does but that worries me, too.

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 16:05:46 GMT

well april is almost over now. which surprises me because i still feel like it's only begun.
i think i'm a good person, you know. sometimes when i try i am a great person.
i realized that on friday night.
and maybe sometime soon i'll snap out of whatever it is i'm caught up in and i'll just be happy to be alive and happy just being happy.

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 07:29:39 GMT

ooohhh fucking brother! barf barf barf.

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 09:35:27 GMT

it's time we evaporate into the breeze.

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 00:40:03 GMT

i'm so so so confused. by everything. in a good/bad way.
i really like this someone.
bradley is, apparently, in love with me. and i want nothing to do with him.
david and i are talking again but it's pretty much just david manipulating me again.
and ben is alive and amazingly well where he should be and our conversation grows with each passing day.
but this someone? this certain someone with whom i happen to be enamored with?
this someone doesn't, apparently, return and reciprocate my feelings.
and this someone smells so sweet and feels so soft and has a great laugh and a pretty smile when it's there.
i'm confused by it.
but at the same time? at the same time i can forget about said someone and just be so damn happy to talk to ben that it doesn't matter that my proverbial heart strings are being tugged and torn and tapered. (because who doesn't love alliteration?)
i'm so happy with him. i really hope i see him nearly as soon and i might and should.

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 16:45:16 GMT

HEAR THIS:

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH OF RELIEF.

he's okay :) thank fucking god. my heart literally skipped a beat for hot minute there. i'm really fighting tears here. oh sweet lord jesus! i would've died if he hadn't been okay. aljsdfklasdjfklasjdfoiawef3. but he is. he's perfect.

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 20:29:22 GMT

what? what is going on right now?
i don't even know. i'm not sure how things manage to turn out the way that they do.
or don't.
or even have the slightest possibility.
of.
i don't.
even know.
i've said that probably a thousand times since last night.
i don't know, i don't even know.
i'm not unhappy?
david's talking to me again.
teresa called, i am so fucking glad about it.
tessa's driving me crazy.
and i have a tiny cut on my face because a box fell on it.
my face caught it before it could hit the ground, thank god.
taxes?

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 09:34:33 GMT

man, i am so good at fucking shit up.

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 19:14:03 GMT

ready. set. update!
wahoo.
it's late in the afternoon and i am totally digging this new yacht track.
it's so fucking PHAT.
trisha's in the shower because she's responsible?
right on.
we hang out with tessa and zack almost every day.
we're all such great friends!
and then some! eh eh!
it's so GORGEOUS OUTSIDE.
i love toys r us!
i get payed BANK on thursday!
i work at six a.m. a lot.
boo.
but bank?
THEBOMB.COM, YO!

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 15:38:47 GMT

march! where have you gone!? it's the 21st making it the first day of spring, correct?
i think trisha and i are hanging out with the guys from the shop this weekend. wahoo!
i finish my last part of my toys r us interview tomorrow! yippee! i need khakis and a red shirt to cover my tattoo.
i have to go to the dentist today.
fuck.
and then probably hopefully chapel hill if we don't run out of gas along the way.
i am eating cheez its.
i saw dustin's face yesterday. sadly, it's not nearly as bad as i thought it would be. but most of his front teeth are gone and the three that really remain in the initial front row are about to fall out he said. ha. damn. i'd pity that mother fuck if his blood alcohol level hadn't been at least 2-3 point something dangerous and would literally be pronounced as toxic and the person who was drinking it dead.
so i don't pity him.
good afternoon!

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 17:07:06 GMT

1. my life is far more interesting than i ever thought it would be at this point and time.
2. i love ed.
(two and three do not relate)
3. i like a boy.
4. trisha's ass is still the smelliest thing in apex.
5. dustin got into a car accident and bit through his entire bottom lip, they had to stitch it back on. but sadly, he's still alive.
6. some people are nosy mother fucking assholes who need to stay out of other people's business.
7. it annoys me when class is canceled and i go all the way and bam.
8. i should be starting at toys r us here soon and i am pumped.
9. my hair is driving me nuts.
10. i love my friends who matter and count and are amazing.

the end.

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 18:31:38 GMT

obla di obla da life goes on sha la la la life goes on.

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 15:13:59 GMT

ohh my darling, ohh my darling, ohh my darling Clementine.

hmmm. interesting weekend. a few near fist fights, a few actual verbal fights, and lots of sleep.

oh vell.

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 01:08:20 GMT

so. this weekend? a riot, what a riot.

got new tattoos.
josh got his tongue pierced.
saw brian :)
ate brian's mom's homemade pizza!!!!
saw and kissed nate!
saw JAMES!
ate lunch with brad, josh, and michael.
saw bubba.
nearly had sex (and when i say nearly had sex, i mean neeeeaaaaarly. and when i say nearly, i mean there were but centimeters and two strong wills holding us both back) with michael in his extremely large bed. (and plan on doing so in the near future, i do declare.)
met CHRISTIAN!
GOT A PUPPY NAMED PLATO!
and had a wonderful time doing it all :)

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 11:41:28 GMT

i really cannot sleep.
i cannot cannot cannot cannot cannot sleep.
i've even tried masturbating to knock me out.
TWICE.
ch'yea, i said twice.
i need my rest for the day ahead, of course! it shall be a busy one.

i am so glad we met andre last night and that he loved us. i am in love with brad, andre, and of course michael. what AMAZING creatures, honestly. we're lucky - incredibly lucky - to know them and vise versa.

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 05:25:36 GMT

let it be known to all
that tonight

i fell in love with a MAN named michael in caribou, the biggest asshole ever.

for starters, i caressed his man chest - hills and valley, if you will - and he stopped mid-story that he was telling josh and said
"oh sorry, i was thinking about fucking you." and looked me right in the eye.
amazing!?
and then i was being a smartass and literally pulled me out of my chair and picked me up and dragged me into the WOMEN'S bathroom at caribou and bent me over, as thought he was going to just fuck me right there - and i seriously thought he was going to and i was going to let him, that or just kiss me - and asked if i was done being a smartass. i said "maybe" in between fits of laughter. he asked if i liked being down there, i said yes, in the women's bathroom. he told me we could do this all night, that it built character. then he said "okay, are we done now?" i said "yes." he said "are we good?" i said "yes." he said "are we falling in love?" i said "yes." then he pushed me out of the door and we sat back down like nothing had happened.
beautiful!?
then we all sat in caribou, though it was really closed, and talked at the table with brad and michael. meanwhile michael was being completely adorable and i was trying my best to be normal but blushing all the while. i said something and he said "i know, it's all the sexual tension between us now." and i agreed, trisha said you could cut it...with a spoon!
charming?!
then when we were leaving we were hugging and michael refused to hug us. so i hugged brad instead and trisha said "callan, i think you've met your match!" and i said "i know! but i didn't expect him to be so ugly!" about michael. hilariously. then when michael was saying goodbye to me trisha said "oh, don't be afraid to touch her ass." and he said "oh i'm not. should i just reach down and grab it?" and then, without warning, be began to put his hand down my bare ass. i flipped out and fell on the ground laughing. then! he picked trisha up over his shoulder and HIT HER HEAD ON THE HANGING LAMP IN CARIBOU. HAHAHAHA AND SHE JUST WAS LIKE A RAG DOLL AND COMPLETELY LET HIM. IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST FUNNY THINGS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
But yes, it gets better.

i don't know how to really describe what happened. all i know is that we were hugging goodbye, michael and myself, and he was rubbing my back really forcefully in a sexy way and i was allowing it. then he grabbed my hands behind my back in one fist.

-----did i mention that michael is about two times wider than me, has fists the size of my face, shoulders as broad as my torso, and guns the size of a telephone pole? not to mention the sweetest smirk and the cutest teeth.----

so there i am, right? my hands behind my back and my body against his, passionately! and he pushes me against a table and i sit on it and takes his other hand, wraps my very legs around his waist and begins to THRUST into me. at first it was just bumping into me. then it was THRUSTING and hard. i could feel all of him against my bathingsuit area! then he did - and i love this during actual sex, not just staged - he put the backs of my knees in the crooks of his elbows and held my legs up and thrust. then, when everyone that was working at caribou (corbett, that guy) and brad and josh and trisha were looking, he put my feet on his shoulders (i love that too) and thrust into. i was overcome with embarrassment and actual arousal. then he pretty much just broke off and hugged me and i squeezed him tight and we left.

i don't even KNOW WHAT TO SAY. i am still blushing. it was amazing. i am in love with him and all his wonderful qualities.

i hope i see him again soon. he's so big and manly and sexy and disgusting and hilarious and made just for me!!

:)

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 16:15:48 GMT

i have decided not to waste any more time thinking on robert coover. he's an absolute waste. a fuck up. a dead end.
i have so many other things to be happy about right now.
and i am happy right now.
it's not my fault, no matter how hard he tries to make me think it is, that he fucked this all up and has emotional problems.
i have been understanding. i wasn't the coward who backed out and ran to the arms of some psycho bitch.
so that's that. there is absolutely nothing more i can in that situation.
chapter ends there.

my broha is doing a project on henry david thoreau, right? i think it's awesome. but on the list you can choose from it seriously has condi rice among others like rosa parks and malcolm x and andrew jackson.

like, what the fuck? that's disgusting.

anyway. i am very happy. i feel a little sick but otherwise i feel literally great. i love that secret happiness. it's all mine! i smile on the inside and outside right now. i probably glow. that might be because i just took a shower.

but it's wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!11111111 it feels great to feel great about feeling great.

and plus, i met a young man last night named chris everheart. how do you NOT love that? honestly!!!

xoxo

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 16:05:54 GMT

till they treat ya like tundra.

every time i talk with ben and i more and more pleased with our friendship. our friendship! who'dathunk it?

in a bit i'm going to go and talk...."talk" with robert. about things. i don't even know. i'm really nervous just because i'm sick of bullshit and he is in such a incredible position to potentially hurt me really badly.

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 15:25:33 GMT

let's have a bit of a post.

for starters:
robert coover is an asshole who willingly steps up to the plate but strikes out every time. he breaks my heart with all of his bullshit. he's been one of my best friends for years now and i have a lot of respect for him as a person. that respect is slowly dwindling on account of his actions towards me these last few days. we have been broken up a week and in that week, he has not spoken to me once. in that week he has successfully gotten back together with his "ex" whose name is hannah and who, coincidentally, looks like a man. ladies and gentlemen, i got played but a stupid, short, italian mother fucker.

in other news:
ben warren and i are talking again. in past posts and past entries this hasn't resulted in anything good or pleasant. but this time, with my fingers crossed, i really think it is. i got a phone call from a number i didn't immediately recognize on thursday night at the canes game. i answered but it was really loud. i said "hello?" the person said "callan, it's ben." and i said "ben who?" they said "warren!" and i said i'd call the alleged ben after the game. but i freak out and start crying (i'm good at that). so josh and trisha insisted that i go and call him back. i do. immediately i ask if it's really ben. it didn't sound like him but it almost sounded like him, i couldn't really honestly tell. he said "of course, callan. would i lie to you? after all we've been through?" i said "i guess not." i wasn't really amused by it, infact, i was freaking out so all of my answers, if you can imagine, were monotone and weak. he asked to see me, said he was in town. i said i'd call him after the game. we get through the game. we lose. it was sadly embarrassing. we get back to trisha's house around 10:30 and i decide to call him back. the real ben answers and i am 100% positive of this, he had just woken up. he said "callan?" and i went on to explain the really traumatizing situation for me. he apologized thousands of time. it was one of his navy buddies. i guess ben had given him an accurate synopsis of me and our past together. i was really put out about it. somehow we just started talking. it was great to hear him and know he wasn't dead and to know where he actually was. we talked for about an hour and a half while i was outside in 20 degree weather in sandals. i don't even know what we talked about. just everything, i told him about my life, about robert, about my tattoo, about my lipring, about trisha, about nik, about josh, about kohl's, about david, about everything i could think of. we laughed a lot. he told me about the navy, about school, about bootcamp, about anna, about his buddies. it was so pleasant it didn't hurt. that was the most alarming thing to me. i didn't hurt talking to him whereas, before now, it always had after we had broken up. it made me feel powerful and really strong as a person both mentally and emotionally for once. but then my phone was dying because i hadn't charged it all day long. so after an hour and a half i told him i had to go, he asked me not to. it was really touching. so i told him, when i got home, i'd charge my phone and call him back if he wanted. he said "yes, please do." so i went and talked to trisha and josh for a bit then went home. all the while, i couldn't feel my toes mind you. i get home, i run my mouth at my dad for a minute to tell him about the game and then i ran upstairs and plugged my phone in. i was really excited, i won't even lie. i called once. i got no answer. my immediate thought was that he must be talking to anna on the phone. i called for the last time i would try after ten minutes and i got no answer. i thought fuck it, if he's going to be like a bitch about actually talking to me after that brilliant conversation, i don't need that. so i lay down and started reading my book. of course, as though i doubted he would to begin with, he called. we talked for about five and a half hours. trisha is the only other person i think i've been able to talk to for that long and consecutively. it felt so good talking to him. i wasn't in love with him, i didn't care that he wasn't in love with me. it feels so fucking good knowing that i wasn't just on the phone with him because deep down i was still in love with him, or that i wanted to get him back somehow. i was completely myself and i didn't care how stupid i sounded. he didn't either. i kept saying that i felt like we were back in eighth grade again. that was when we first started dating and we really liked each other a lot, we enjoyed one another's conversation, and we made each other laugh but he went to lufkin and i went to apex so we only saw each other but three or four times that entire year. it was so simple talking to him and so fucking innocent. that's exactly the word, it was innocent and it felt right. we had always talked about being apart of one another's lives for always. it never occurred to me that we could do that without being head over heels for one another. we really hadn't changed, neither one of us. it was just good ol' ben and callan and it didn't even hurt. not once. for a minute. not for a second. he told me about anna and how they were having troubles. i didn't even play the role of the spiteful ex-girlfriend. i didn't get upset deep down and i didn't think negative thoughts about her. i wasn't jealous. in fact, i gave him excellent relationship advice and i was completely and 100% sincere in hopes that it would help. i can't deny a sense of 'i told you so' when he informed me that he didn't think they'd last and that he was worried he'd fallen out of love with her. but it was right on the money in the 'i told you so' department. i earned that, hah! all the while we were talking a really intense emotion welled up inside of me, it was honestly something i had never felt before. i still don't know what it was, i tried to explain it to him, he said he felt the same way. it was like a mixture of gratitude, love, happiness, and really like if that makes any sense. i really like him. i mean, i loved him and i was in love with him once and i always liked him through and through, but i like him now. with all that aside, i really like him as a person and i haven't been able to say that in almost two years. he actually made me happy talking to him. it was so bizarre and so scary and wonderful all at the same time. i told him i FELT like we were in middle school because the closest i could come to explaining the feeling was that i had a crush on him. he laughed really hard and actually agreed with me. i feel so elated! but more importantly, i feel fine. i feel the same way i did last week, you know? except now i know i can have a friend in ben. that i can love him in the same sense that i love all my other friends, ex-boyfriends or not. he called me again yesterday after he was done for the day. we only talked for about 30 minutes but it was really nice getting a call from him. it was just natural and calm. he told me about his day and about P.T., haha. i told him about mine and about how robert continues to be an asshole. i told him i'd call him later and that was that. haha, coincidentally, i forgot to call him. but i will later today. i am so happy. i am madly in love with the fact that he and i are talking like this. it's like we're friends. we've never been able to have that ever since we broke up.
i am so unbelievably happy about it. plain and simple.

but i still hope robert slips in caribou and breaks his arm.

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 19:12:30 GMT

i do love mr. benjamin gregory warren in all his navy plundering.

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 18:29:45 GMT

fuck you, apex
fuck you, robert coover
fuck you, corbett spoone
fuck you, caribou slut
fuck you, apex
fuck you, everyone
fuck you, self-esteem
fuck you, humility
fuck you, apex

fuck all of you.

my finally bellyache with no alarms and no suprises, please.

i fucking give up and i feel like i've been torn to shreds. i fucking give up. i have nothing more to give this town. next year can only come so fast when trisha and i can finally be free.

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 22:31:08 GMT

"Was your day filled with wanting, or the needlepoint of knowing that I waited and that I wait for you? I did. I do."
Rod Mckuen.

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 19:17:35 GMT

ouch ouch ouch ouch.